While many families look forward to the holidays each year such as
Thanksgiving and Christmas, there are many of us who when they see the
Christmas lights go up, go into an emotional hibernation. It is not a dislike
of Christmas; it is not jealousy of others who have more money to blow on the
latest gadgets for the kids, not even the over-commercialization of Christmas
that causes them to cringe at all the holiday commercials relentlessly repeated over and over.
The reality is they are mourning Christmas. Now some right away
who are not walking in their shoes might say "you're just living in the past, get over it." While there is
some value in that, this is not a choice such as forgiving someone. This experience is about the fracture that
becomes apparent every holiday. This reality is very much like when as a child
I fell off a milk crate and broke my arm; the X-ray shows a fracture which
means only one thing; I am sitting on the bench this season because my arm is immobilized in a cast.
For those with fractured families we know the drill, we are going
to be reminded that our family is not like other families. For those in
this situation we either avoid Christmas altogether and become Scrooge or we quietly lock ourselves away doing our
best to stuff the negative emotions down deep so not to ruin the holiday for
those we care about who will, in fact, wake up surrounded by those they love on
Christmas morning.
The silence of an empty house on Christmas morning is like no
other silence, where there should be the sights and sounds of Christmas there
is but silence, wherein Christmas past there was joyful laughter, cooking and
baking and the smells of nut mix baking in the oven. Instead of those sights
and sounds and even smells, there is now but an all apparent stillness of
complete silence.
In this situation many will become experts in psychology and say
the answer is not to allow yourself to be alone, "get out there and meet
people!" or my favorite "go volunteer at a soup kitchen." Again,
some find this to be helpful as a distraction. However, the truth is, even when
we are with others who open up their homes, we are
reminded that we are an outsider. It is not that we do not
appreciate the fellowship, in fact, it is a very loving act by someone to be
invited to their home, fed and have great conversation. However, we are acutely
aware that our situation is permanently broken, unlike a bone fracture, it is
more like a spinal cord injury that causes permanent paralysis, there is no way
to reverse a fractured family.
It can become even more complicated as we get older and as our
parent's age and die. There have been Christmases that I spent utterly alone
with my family assuming that I was spending it with friends. In those times I
just wanted it to pass like when I get the flu bug and know I am in for several
days of fever coughing and misery.
So what to do? Are we to just go into emotional stasis until the
last Christmas light is taken down? Of course not, the Bible says to
"…mourn with those who mourn" (Romans 12:15). I wondered how
that applies to this situation and it is apparent that without adequately mourning the loss there can never
truly be accepting of the position and a
new direction. Invariably without proper mourning, a person can become
emotionally stuck in one of the stages of grief; denial, anger, bargaining and
then depression.
Those in denial merely go around acting as if nothing is wrong
and will often become a busy body so that they never spend a moment
acknowledging a loss. Another way of doing this is to stuff those feelings with
food (my old trick), booze, drugs, or
whatever might distract them from how they feel. The person in denial phrase
will wait until the very last moment to participate in Christmas. I did this by
waiting to do my Christmas shopping at the last moment because I was in denial
that Christmas was here again. (Not to be confused with procrastinators.)
The next phase is the anger phase. There are different ways anger
is expressed; often it is shown as hidden
anger, this type of anger may be present
with others not being aware of it, only the person with the hidden anger knows about it. One possible way
this might play out is by someone who demands if they are to go to a relatives
house for Christmas "I am not going to spend more than 60 minutes at their
house!" They will always have an excuse to justify their brief stay,
"I am tired I worked all week" or "I have somewhere to be…"
They do the same thing at all family events such as birthdays and maybe even at
weddings. In reality, their anger is an attempt to control everyone else
because of their unresolved grief as a result of
being stuck in the anger stage of the grieving process. Their position prevents them from allowing
their hearts to immerse themselves at the
moment. It is all about self-protection. Anger can manifest itself in many
ways. The possibilities are as diverse as there are personalities.
The next phase is the bargaining phase, those who are in this
stage will walk 100 miles to please someone else who would not jump a puddle
for them. They tolerate all sorts of nonsense to keep the peace to have a
"normal Christmas". I remember
when my mother was alive how impossible it was to get the family to agree on
what time we would all meet at mom's, the triangulation was intense with the
times changing over and over. One of the last Christmases my mother was alive I
remember the look in her eyes as the time everyone was supposed to show up came
and went. The Christmas dinner was on the table, all she wanted was to prepare
a meal for her family (her love language was acts of service), and yet, when they did show up two hours later
and left precisely one hour after they arrived, they acted utterly oblivious to what had occurred. Not to judge the other
family members too harshly after all they have families of their own, spouses
and in-laws and many times people are just completely unaware of another
person's emotional state.
At one point in mothers life, she became an alcoholic. She
revealed once in one of her drunken stupors that her father had beaten her with
a strap on Christmas morning when she was a little girl because she asked:
"where is my Christmas present daddy?" All her younger siblings had
presents but her because of the depression of the 30's her father was not able to get all the children presents.
She was about age 7 or 8 years old when that beating occurred. Fifty-some years
later my grandfather said with tears in his eyes "Mary, I am
sorry..." It was at that time she quit drinking. I remember thinking after
my mother died that I would never again have to witness the disappointment in
her eyes because of the consequences of her mistakes decades before. My mother
was a study in isolationism; if it were not for the love her grandson, (my
oldest son), she would have been
completely cut off from the world. Being a grandmother gave her a second chance
in life, one that she fully embraced. Her grave marker says it all
"beloved grandmother." 11 years after my mother died that same
grandson was in Afghanistan, that little
boy who loved his grandmother so much was now spending Christmas 2010 at a
combat outpost. That year I followed my mom's old nut mix recipe and sent him
several containers, later he told me they arrived just in time for Christmas
and he immediately recognized that they were his grandmother's recipe and ate
the entire batch at one setting.
My mom and I always found a way to bargain for a little bit of
Christmas even if it was just me and her and Johnny. After she died, the
bargaining stopped. It was then when this mourner moved into the next phase,
depression. After mom died in the summer of 1999, I spent the next Christmas
eve putting up a fence in the backyard. I was completely isolated from my
family once again, the worst Christmas of my life, fortunately for me my good
friend Paul understood what I was going through and called me on the phone and
let me vent. Sometimes God sends the right people just in time in your life to
avert a disaster. My 35th birthday was only six months after mom passed, it too
was a difficult day, I spent it sailing
alone in the gulf on my Hobie cat. However, once again my friend Paul and his wife
had Johnny and me over for dinner that night, Elaine his wife cooked the same
meal my mom would have made, pot roast, mashed potatoes, and green beans. I sat
at their table and vented so many hurt feelings, like the real authentic
Christians they were, they quietly listened and said when I was done "we
had no idea how growing up in a broken family could cause so much hurt."
Where people either finally grieve
the loss and move on to acceptance or find a way to avoid the pain and feedback
loop to a previous step in the process remaining emotionally trapped.
Contrary to what you might think is the appropriate response; it is not recommended to attempt to cheer up
an individual who is at this stage. If you try to minimize their negative
emotions all you are doing is forcing them back into the bargaining phase.
Trying to distract someone from working their way through this phase would be
like suggesting a person who has an abscessed tooth should just take a
painkiller. Depression and sadness is an essential
time for grieving that must be given time to process.
This step is where a person can finally
find hope and gain a new perspective. Your part
is commanded in the Bible, mourn with them, validate, “this has been so painful
for you..” do not isolate them, then they can move on to acceptance.
Just like trying to leave a parking garage, you are not going to get out of the
garage until the parking is validated, the loss must be deeply comprehended. Once that occurs it is at this moment a
friend or family member can do what the Bible commands "mourn with those
who mourn."
Acknowledging
that this time of year must be difficult for them, might be the catalyst that
helps them heal. Giving a warm hug and letting them know you care by taking them
out for coffee and listening to them talk about how Christmas used to be, or
how it should have been might just help them heal. You could begin by saying "tell me
about how Christmas was for you as a child?" Laugh when they laugh and
tear up when they tear up, this is your opportunity to help another fellow sojourner in work through a difficult process.
Changing the subject is just cowardice. Give them a few hours if necessary.
Having an uncomfortable conversation is a very loving act. "Wounds from a
sincere friend are better than many kisses from an enemy" (Proverbs 27:6).
For almost four decades I have gone back and forth through the
different stages of grief during the holiday season, I now recognize what is
happening to me during this time for the past few years and make plans that
will at least bring a sense of normalcy to my holiday season. For me it is the
Christmas Eve candlelight service at church, gathering together with my fellow
brothers and sisters gives me a warm memory to anchor my emotions for another
year. Those of us who live in fractured families will find a place to just be
like everyone else for a few moments of our lives and it focuses us on the true
meaning of Christmas, the advent of our Savior Jesus. Each person deals with their
losses in a different way. The first Christmas after a loss of a loved one can
be especially challenging, with that difficult
brings a wave of sadness not anticipated and may turn the event into a
memorial of sorts. Mourning is not something we can opt out of; there must be an appropriate amount of time
to grieve a loss and then bring closure to it. The problem with recurring loss is that the process is returned to again,
if not adequately addressed will create a
closed off soul who cannot give and
receive love. Once a person gains the courage to move ahead (and it does take
courage), they can turn the page towards acceptance.
Once the mourner has moved into the acceptance phase of the process, they can find a new way of expressing
a celebration of Christmas. For the divorced person such as myself, I chose to
give Christmas day to the mother of my children;
I take Christmas Eve as the day I open presents with my children and
have my family come by and exchange gifts and then go to church. It works out
well for my children who will never have to choose "who do I spend
Christmas day with, dad or mom?" Christmas day for me will always be less then ideal. Sometimes I spend it with friends
or people I know from church. Last year I spent it with my son and his new wife
in Colorado, that Christmas was beautiful
for me because I felt welcomed and at home with my son's new family. This year
I was invited to Christmas dinner with my first wife and her husband and my son
and his wife. Think about it; my son had
his family together on Christmas day. That is what real love (agape) love is all about, putting what is best for the
other person above self.
I will conclude with a Christmas memory from my childhood. Each
year my favorite thing was watching the Charlie Brown Christmas special.
However, the year we moved to Florida our television broke and so I was going
to miss it, I was distraught, at age seven this was a tragic situation. However, my dad did one of the most loving things a
dad could do. At around the time, the special was to start; my dad took me to
an appliance store. He had the salesman put the Charlie Brown Christmas special
on the display television for me to watch, the loving part, he took up about a
half an hour of that salesman's time knowing full well he was not going to buy
a TV that day. I will say it was not the same sitting on that cold floor
in an appliance store, but it was good enough. To this very day everyone in my
family knows how much I love the Peanuts gang, my sister even bought me a
Peanuts watch a few years ago, (keep in mind, we are all in our 40's and
50's.)
Whenever
I watch the peanuts special with my kids, I always remember how much my dad could
make the best of a situation. Making the best of the situation is the key to
Christmas in a fractured family, once you accept that it is not going to be
perfect, make the best of it for everyone you love. Making this choice is extremely
important, after all this Christmas may be the last one you may ever have with
them, if it turns out to be so, let the memory of them be that of love, joy,
and peace. If you are stuck
in the mourning process during the holidays, it may be time for self-discovery,
a great place to start is with that child in the manger, He promised to love
and accept you if you put your faith in
Him. If you are angry with Him because you feel he let you down then tell him that too, but, see that he came to earth via that manger to die on the cross for
your sins.
My Christmas poem, “Every Christmas
light I see, reminds me the Light of the world came down into darkness, to be stretched on a tree for me.” It is just like
Linus said to Charlie Brown "Now there were in the same country shepherds
living out in the fields, keeping watch over their flock by night. And behold, an angel of the Lord stood before
them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were greatly
afraid. Then the angel said to them, "Do not be afraid, for behold, I
bring you good tidings of great joy which will be to all people. For
there is born to you this day in the city of David a Savior, who is Christ the
Lord. And this will be the sign to
you: You will find a Babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a
manger." And suddenly there was with
the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God and saying: "Glory
to God in the highest, and on earth peace, goodwill toward men!" (Luke
2:8-14) http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=NYexxEAl8Io