Sunday, September 4, 1994, is the day I almost went to hell. I was sailing several miles offshore on
my Hobie cat as I often did back then, was stoned. My mood was mixed with anger and frustration because the heavy seagrass on the water's surface kept catching in my rudder, jamming it. Instead of dropping anchor and lowering the sails, I arrogantly attempted to un-jam the rudder by putting the boat into the wind and hopping over the side while attempting to hold on. When I un-jammed the rudder, as it took both hands to do so, the boat took off without me the moment the wind filled the sails. It quickly sped out of view within seconds, leaving me treading water without a lifejacket.
my Hobie cat as I often did back then, was stoned. My mood was mixed with anger and frustration because the heavy seagrass on the water's surface kept catching in my rudder, jamming it. Instead of dropping anchor and lowering the sails, I arrogantly attempted to un-jam the rudder by putting the boat into the wind and hopping over the side while attempting to hold on. When I un-jammed the rudder, as it took both hands to do so, the boat took off without me the moment the wind filled the sails. It quickly sped out of view within seconds, leaving me treading water without a lifejacket.
Completely Alone
As I bobbed up and down, I began thinking about my life and how the situation I got myself into was the perfect ending to my sad story. That previous Friday, I had discovered my marriage was over. As I sunk further into despair, I decided that I would just drown myself and go to hell. I swam to the bottom, which was about eight feet of water. I just looked up at the rays of sunlight coming through the water, but my lungs began to burn, so I swam to the surface, coughing up the water I took in. I gasped for air when I broke the surface. I believed I was going to die that day; no one even knew where I was, and the tide was taking me further and further out into the gulf. A harsh reality struck me, my four-year-old son Johnny would grow up without his father.
In classic West Coast Florida summer weather, the afternoon thunderstorms were now forming. I honestly do not know how many hours went by as my legs were now cramping, and my arms grew heavy. To add to my suffering, my eyes and chest burned from the saltwater, and my skin crawled as the seagrass encompassed me. Worse yet, there was no way I could outswim the outgoing tide, I knew I was miles from the shore, completely alone.
Minutes From Hell
Just when I was within minutes of succumbing, I saw the mast of my boat; it appeared to be coming right toward me. I thought, “Who is sailing my boat?” It actually sailed right to me and went bow into the wind just as I had maneuvered when it got away from me hours before. As I grabbed the hull in disbelief, I barely had enough energy to get on board. I pulled myself up, rolling onto the trampoline. After gaining composure, I straightened out the tangled mess of lines and sailed straight home. I put the boat away when I arrived, not telling a soul what had transpired that day. I took a shower, came out calmly, went to my wife, and said, “I know what’s going on, your choice, counseling or divorce.” She chose the latter. I do not blame her; I was a selfish, pot-smoking jerk. During that week, I kept asking myself repeatedly, "why had my life turned out this way?" I was genuinely heartbroken and felt like a hopeless failure.
By Friday night, I realized something; as I compared my life to my siblings, I thought about my oldest sister, Karen. Her life was very different than mine. She was a regular churchgoer and was happily married. She was and is a Christian. Up until that moment, I hated being around Christians. As I pondered these things, a childhood memory flooded my mind. It was June 1976, the day before Karen got married, and she said, "Johnny, promise me one day you will only marry a Christian girl who loves Jesus..." This was what caused me to call Karen that Friday night, asking her if I could go to church with her. I was surprised those words even came out of my mouth. That Sunday, I heard and understood something for the very first time: Jesus died for my sins and would forgive me of my past, present, and future sins if I placed my trust in him. Although I grew up in church, I did not understand the gospel message.
Hearing the Gospel
One week at exactly seven days to the hour my boat sailed away from me, I was sitting in the balcony of First Baptist Church of New Port Richey. There was a visiting pastor preaching, Jim Prose; he preached the story of the prodigal son, and I could relate. When the invitation was given, I walked forward and was met by a gentleman named Norm Hall. Norm was a church counselor. I told him I had lost my salvation as a child, and he patiently went through the Bible verses with me, Romans 3:23, 6:23, 10:9, and 8:28. At that point, he prayed with me, my sister said, wiping away tears, “I have been praying for you a long time.” A few weeks later, at age 29, I was baptized. On the day of my Baptism, the first people to come up to me afterward were Mr. & Mrs. Connie Purdue. Mr. Purdue was my favorite teacher in High School. His exact words to me were, “John, we have been praying for you for a long time. Welcome to the family.”
I joined a support group at the church called Empowered. This was a Christian 12-step program using the serenity Bible. It was a struggle; my pothead friends were not too happy with me. There were plenty of failures, setbacks, and rebellions. Even today, I must continually deal with negative emotions, redirecting them to the truth of God's Word. In reality, sometimes it can seem harder to deal with life sober. But, I would never want to exchange the peace I have in my heart because of Christ for the buzz I used to seek decades ago.
Bible
In those early years, I found I needed to study the Bible way more than church and Sunday school. There were too many different opinions on specific issues. I took evening classes for five years, one or two at a time, at the Moody Bible Institute extension study. No one really knew this, but the real reason why I studied the Bible so much, I had many doubts about the doctrine of salvation. It took a lot of diligent studies to realize that God loves me no matter what; the payment for all my sins was completed by the cross-work of Christ. My doctrine of salvation includes the full assurance of salvation for everyone who believes,. My careful study has revealed that nowhere in Scripture does God declare you righteous and then change his mind.
Still Sailing
I have a degree from Trinity College in Counseling and a master's degree from Liberty University Baptist Theological Seminary. Even though I have this education, I find more than any of that, I just need Him. I need to continue to have fellowship with other believers, and I need to trust Him when it comes to those I love, especially my children. I need to keep His Word in front of me every day, allowing Him to dwell in me. My life's verse: "The Lord GOD has given me the tongue of those who are taught, that I may know how to sustain with a word him who is weary. Morning by morning he awakens; he awakens my ear to hear as those who are taught." Isaiah 50:4.