So, there it is, the truth, I have an eating disorder. Since I was about 11 years old I have continued a dangerous cycle. Gain weight, be shamed by others, lose weight. Gain weight, be shamed into losing weight. I always find a reason for my weight gain, my thyroid, (which is true), my overwhelmingly busy life, (which is true), when I quit smoking, (which is true), however, I have never acknowledged the reality that I have an eating disorder.
Two weeks ago I was reading a textbook (working on a second MA), the topic was eating disorders. When I think of what an eating disorder is, bulimia or anorexia come to mind. According to the medical journals on this topic, "eating disorders occur during adolescence" (Ray, 2004). But it is not just bulimia and anorexia, it is also over eating. The facts are, women with eating disorders tend to under-eat, men tend to over-eat. And there it is, the truth. I hate the idea that I have an eating disorder. It would be far easier to say I am lazy, or just need to hit the gym, or just need to lay off the fast foods or all the suggestions people with a few pounds to lose give people with an eating disorder. Telling a substance abuser to curb their intake is nonsensical, it will not work. While, many of those suggestions have some validity to them, the reality is, the underlying reason for the eating disorder must be faced, bravely, no excuses. The medical journals state there are many different theories as to how to best treat this problem. However, of all the approaches, family therapy for the adolescent is the most effective. The underlying issue seems to be maladaptive family dynamics.
I have watched television reality shows about extreme weight loss, it seems there is almost always a point in the process where the person breaks down, revisits at some point a maladaptive family dynamic. Adults with eating disorders must deal with the underlying bitterness they may have towards their childhood experiences. Forgiving one's parents is more then no longer holding something against someone, it is imputing righteousness to that person. After all, that is exactly the standard of Christ's forgiveness. "...Forgive as Christ forgave you." (Colossians 3:13). Christ imputed his righteousness with his sacrifice on the cross to those who were his enemies. (See Romans 5:8). I know these verses well, I understand the theological concepts, but I am angry and bitter towards situations that were unfair in my childhood. I have bargained in my mind that I resolved these issues, however, my bathroom scale says otherwise.
I know from research I have studied, children of divorce are at the height of their pain in the grieving process over their parent's divorce five years after the initial event. So I look back and see it, at age ten I was thin, family in tack. At age eleven I balloon up in weight, parent's divorced and my family was scattered. I quit school five years after my parent's divorce, enough said.
Now my theological doctrine would suggest that if I am in Christ all these things should just go way right? I mean if you have Jesus in your heart, you should not be experiencing these difficulties, maybe you just do not have enough faith right? Theologically, the sins of one generation are in fact passed down to the next, if you do not show your child the way they should go, they may die. "Discipline your son, for there is hope; do not set your heart on putting him to death" (Proverbs 19:18). The word for discipline has the idea of training them, instructing them, and of course disciplining them to make wise choices.
On this topic I came to realize something interesting, in Genesis the very first sin (Adam and Eve disobeyed God's command to not do what?) Eat of the tree... the sin that caused the fall was about eating. It was not a sexual sin, was not even murder, was not about lying or any other thing. It was about eating the forbidden food. Now that is interesting., eating the forbidden fruit is the starting place for all the suffering in the world. Keep in mind I have a MA in Theological studies, yet, I have never heard this preached, or taught. I am sure someone has caught this, but I did not till a few days ago.
Tuesday evening I sat on a gurney in the emergency room because my esophagus closed off and I had not been able to eat or drink since Saturday. Saturday morning I prayed for God to help me get healthy and lose weight. I had come to realize my real issue; I have an eating disorder. At lunch time Saturday I took one bite of food and the food became lodged in my throat. Fast forward to Tuesday as I waited for the endoscopy and the procedure to open my esophagus, I texted a friend "Out of order eating."
The seed of my "out of order eating" that sprouted in my life, was planted in my adolescence. This eating disorder took root when my family split apart, It was during this period that I experienced a feeling of emptiness. That emptiness is an uneasy anxious feeling. Subconsciously, it was then that I learned to fill that empty feeling with food. Just like an alcoholic, or drug addict or a smoker, it is food that is the substance I abuse. In the Bible there are many verses about fasting. The purpose is to restore the human soul to God, not for salvation, it is for the believer to be in right fellowship with the Lord by denying their flesh. In essence it is giving one's own will over to the Holy Spirit to take control.
No wonder the first act of disobedience of mankind in the garden of Eden involved eating for the wrong reason, you can eat to live or eat what is forbidden and suffer the consequences.
"The Lord God took the man and put him in the garden of Eden to work it and keep it. And the Lord God commanded the man, saying, “You may surely eat of every tree of the garden, but of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil you shall not eat, for in the day that you eat of it you shall surely die.” (Genesis 2:15).
Two weeks ago I was reading a textbook (working on a second MA), the topic was eating disorders. When I think of what an eating disorder is, bulimia or anorexia come to mind. According to the medical journals on this topic, "eating disorders occur during adolescence" (Ray, 2004). But it is not just bulimia and anorexia, it is also over eating. The facts are, women with eating disorders tend to under-eat, men tend to over-eat. And there it is, the truth. I hate the idea that I have an eating disorder. It would be far easier to say I am lazy, or just need to hit the gym, or just need to lay off the fast foods or all the suggestions people with a few pounds to lose give people with an eating disorder. Telling a substance abuser to curb their intake is nonsensical, it will not work. While, many of those suggestions have some validity to them, the reality is, the underlying reason for the eating disorder must be faced, bravely, no excuses. The medical journals state there are many different theories as to how to best treat this problem. However, of all the approaches, family therapy for the adolescent is the most effective. The underlying issue seems to be maladaptive family dynamics.
I have watched television reality shows about extreme weight loss, it seems there is almost always a point in the process where the person breaks down, revisits at some point a maladaptive family dynamic. Adults with eating disorders must deal with the underlying bitterness they may have towards their childhood experiences. Forgiving one's parents is more then no longer holding something against someone, it is imputing righteousness to that person. After all, that is exactly the standard of Christ's forgiveness. "...Forgive as Christ forgave you." (Colossians 3:13). Christ imputed his righteousness with his sacrifice on the cross to those who were his enemies. (See Romans 5:8). I know these verses well, I understand the theological concepts, but I am angry and bitter towards situations that were unfair in my childhood. I have bargained in my mind that I resolved these issues, however, my bathroom scale says otherwise.
I know from research I have studied, children of divorce are at the height of their pain in the grieving process over their parent's divorce five years after the initial event. So I look back and see it, at age ten I was thin, family in tack. At age eleven I balloon up in weight, parent's divorced and my family was scattered. I quit school five years after my parent's divorce, enough said.Now my theological doctrine would suggest that if I am in Christ all these things should just go way right? I mean if you have Jesus in your heart, you should not be experiencing these difficulties, maybe you just do not have enough faith right? Theologically, the sins of one generation are in fact passed down to the next, if you do not show your child the way they should go, they may die. "Discipline your son, for there is hope; do not set your heart on putting him to death" (Proverbs 19:18). The word for discipline has the idea of training them, instructing them, and of course disciplining them to make wise choices.
On this topic I came to realize something interesting, in Genesis the very first sin (Adam and Eve disobeyed God's command to not do what?) Eat of the tree... the sin that caused the fall was about eating. It was not a sexual sin, was not even murder, was not about lying or any other thing. It was about eating the forbidden food. Now that is interesting., eating the forbidden fruit is the starting place for all the suffering in the world. Keep in mind I have a MA in Theological studies, yet, I have never heard this preached, or taught. I am sure someone has caught this, but I did not till a few days ago.
Tuesday evening I sat on a gurney in the emergency room because my esophagus closed off and I had not been able to eat or drink since Saturday. Saturday morning I prayed for God to help me get healthy and lose weight. I had come to realize my real issue; I have an eating disorder. At lunch time Saturday I took one bite of food and the food became lodged in my throat. Fast forward to Tuesday as I waited for the endoscopy and the procedure to open my esophagus, I texted a friend "Out of order eating."
The seed of my "out of order eating" that sprouted in my life, was planted in my adolescence. This eating disorder took root when my family split apart, It was during this period that I experienced a feeling of emptiness. That emptiness is an uneasy anxious feeling. Subconsciously, it was then that I learned to fill that empty feeling with food. Just like an alcoholic, or drug addict or a smoker, it is food that is the substance I abuse. In the Bible there are many verses about fasting. The purpose is to restore the human soul to God, not for salvation, it is for the believer to be in right fellowship with the Lord by denying their flesh. In essence it is giving one's own will over to the Holy Spirit to take control.
No wonder the first act of disobedience of mankind in the garden of Eden involved eating for the wrong reason, you can eat to live or eat what is forbidden and suffer the consequences.
"The Lord God took the man and put him in the garden of Eden to work it and keep it. And the Lord God commanded the man, saying, “You may surely eat of every tree of the garden, but of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil you shall not eat, for in the day that you eat of it you shall surely die.” (Genesis 2:15).