Each year around Memorial Day I begin to think about those who are no longer here, my dad, mom, and my brother Bobby. Being the youngest of four children, when I was growing up I always felt like the outsider because they had memories I wasn't even born to experience. But now, now I have memories my parents and brother have left us before these major events. My mom missed my remarriage to my second wife, 9/11, never met her other two grandchildren, never experienced sending a son off to war, never knew all the things that have happened when she left us in August of 1999.
Dad on the other hand was here for all of it, right up to my son's return before Alzheimer's robbed us of his presence. My brother is another story for another day, but he too is gone. So, being near Memorial Day the absence of them is with me again, along with countless others, shipmates, friends, other relatives, my cousin, it is too much sometimes to even process. Life is precisely what the Scripture says it is, "a vapor."
When I on occasion will visit my mom or dad graves, there is always an expectation of hoping to make some kind of connection, however, the silence prevails, there is no way to communicate to the dead, they are no longer here, their presence transcends space and time, we only have their dimming memories to fill the emptiness we often feel in the presence of their loss.
When my mom passed in 1999, I wept bitterly, I would often stop by her grave on my way to Tampa on Tuesday nights and leaving empty, hopeless, missing her comforting words or laughter at my silly jokes. When dad passed in 2017, he had already been gone mentally, so that loss was different, I have visited him many times in Bushnell. So many things I want to share with them, so many thoughts, events, tell them about my children, talk to them about my job, and friends, and travels.
They missed out on a lot of memories, then I remember, my children are young, my daughter and I are 40 years apart, I can do the math, they too are going to most likely experience what I have experienced, except, I pray they are not alone when they do, being alone is difficult, being rejected is even worse, three divorces has left a mark on my soul that is immutable, there is no answer to the problem, no solace for the rejected soul, no hope for tomorrow as the days fly past quicker and quicker.
It all seems to hopeless and difficult, my only hope is that the gospel is true, that eternal life is a reality for the believer, that John 3:16 truly answers my questions, how did we get here, why are we here, how should I live, and what will happen to me? Seems the only logical answer is the hope of eternal life. Remove that hope and their truly is no hope, no future and no reason to keep going.
Mourn with those who mourn, maybe I just need to take day and visit them all, remember them, but I sure wish I could share the love I have for them in my heart.
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