40 Days

God exists, the proof is in the transcendence of my questions. What do you say about a friend who saved your life when you were bleeding out? What do you say about a brother who worshipped with you playing guitar together? What do you say about a friend who kept tabs on you when your child was a soldier at war and you go through a divorce, loss, death of loved ones, health crisis, spiritual crisis, anger, or depression? Or, their persistence at getting you to love the outdoors again and go sailing with you on crazy windy days, and others when it was nearly calm.  Who invited you to go camping for fifteen years, and you finally show up. What can you say about that friend who even when it was annoying, believed in you, when others dismissed you. What can you say? You can say Christ personally brought that person into your life, as the body of Christ, that person is the presence of God in your life just like promised in Joshua 1:9 and Matthew 28:20. Lou was the only person I could think of applying the Marine motto of always faithful, Semper fidelis as a way to describe him. 

As of 40 days and a few minutes ago, 10:21 pm to be precise, my brother in Christ, Lou "Iceman" Ammiano left our world and entered eternity. We shared a lot of great memories together, I think I now understand what David meant by Jonathan when he said "I am distressed for thee, my brother Jonathan: very pleasant hast thou been unto me: thy love to me was wonderful, passing the love of women" 2 Samuel 1:26. I understand David's mindset, David and I have something in common, due to the moral failures of King David's marital relations and my own failures, David and I both never knew the lasting love and friendship, especially loyalty of a woman, but like David, we both had a brother we could count on, David had Jonathan, I had Lou. My friend passing on to eternity revealed in my own heart how much of a brother my great friend is and was to me. The space left is felt, the only thing that is worst is knowing the pain in his family's heart, knowing he has left this world, his place at the table of life is now vacant, that kind of loss is un-mutable. 

The outpouring of love between family and friends was a beautiful sonnet for a hurting soul, close friends staying close by serving as counselors, family keeping their chins up maintaining dignity for a well-deserved beloved soul. My friend was honored well, for he was without a doubt a man worth honoring, I have struggled to wrap my mind around the reality of his departure, I just want to see a text message from him, or just a like on one of my Facebook posts... oh, the separation, you cannot change it. I know too well from experience when a loved one passes, we look for a connection. There is none to be made, they no longer dwell in this place.

I have thought this through for hours, but I didn't really bother with what I would have normally asked, "why" "why did God take my friend?" I didn't bother asking "why" because I have learned something, there is an answer to that question, but that answer is transcendent. The person and the place where that answer exists are not in our world. The answer dwells in another dimension, the eternal one, the place where the one with whom the answers to all life's questions dwell, heaven. 

I have thought about this, I was in the room with him as he passed, the last few minutes of a beloved brother's life, 10:20 he was there. 10:21 he entered the transcendent place. "We are confident, I say, and willing rather to be absent from the body, and to be present with the Lord" 2 Corinthians 5:8. One of my favorite quotes is "the greatest evil a man can do is to take away another man's hope... likewise the greatest good is to give hope to the hopeless..." I really do not know for sure where that quote came from, but I know that belief in eternal life through Christ is the greatest hope in life, likewise, rejecting that hope is the greatest sin. We do not get to see the outcome of that faith until we are transcendent of this place. But by faith, I know, my friend is in heaven with others we miss so much. I have had this picture in my mind lately, especially since we have said goodbye to so many people lately, the moment we enter heaven we are greeted by the people with whom we mourned the greatest. "For it is written: Eye has not seen, nor ear heard, Nor has entered into the heart of man, the things God has prepared for those who love Him" 1 Corinthians 2:9. This is perhaps the most comforting verse written for the believer in mourning. It is not okay right now, my heart hurts, but, I know one day, in the transcendent place, hope will be exchanged for eternal peace, love, and joy. 

So, I do not bother with the "why" question. I used to, when my son was born with spina bifida, I asked God "why?" When so many heartbreaks have happened in my life, and others I love, I asked God "why." Now, I have skipped that one, I now have the "how" question in mind. How will I carry on in my journey after my friend has gone home ahead of me on this journey? Lou was my spiritual wingman, he helped me in ways many will not understand, as a loyal friend he cared enough to voice his honest assessment of my character defects so that I would be a better man, better friend, and better father. It was working too, I listened to the audiobook "the Lost Art of Listening" because of him.  He would say "stop talking over me..." or "you need to take care of your health..." He did it without being judgmental, and although some insecurities in me would sometimes feel offended, I remembered the Scripture "Faithful are the wounds of a friend; but kisses of an enemy are deceitful" Proverbs 27:6. My "how" question is, who will be that faithful friend who will wound my pride, correct my self-deception, cheer my faith, celebrate my victories, rejoice when it was time to rejoice and mourne when it was it is time to mourn? 

In the past forty days, that answer has surprised me, my other great brothers and sisters have attended to me. The forty days of the biblical prescribed period of mourning for loss have ended, I know must now obey the Word, and trust that God is with me, I have the Holy Spirit, but I miss my friend, my sailing buddy, my camping friend, my confidant, my wingman, Iceman. "Fair winds and followings seas Ice"